The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
