You're so nebulous sometimes
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize