hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
