Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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