It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize