if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
