Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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