Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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