And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
