Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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