His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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