He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
