I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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