You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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