proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
