I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
