i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
