you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
