During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
