Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
