Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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