but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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