Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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