I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
