I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
