I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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