I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
