Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
