I like my sex mixed with concussions.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
