there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
