i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
