Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
