True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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