please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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