totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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