My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
