Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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