Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
