u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
