Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
