I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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