You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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