i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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