I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
