Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
