I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
