Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
