So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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