the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
