cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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