bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize