I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just gargled with NyQuil
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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