At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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