Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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