Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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