Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
