I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i wish my penis had a tongue
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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