Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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