I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
