whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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