The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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