i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
